Crash Test Dummies
Winter Song
Comin' Back Soon (The Bereft Man's Song)
Superman's Song
The Country Life
Here on Earth (I'll have my cake)
The Ghosts that Haunt Me
Thick-Necked Man
Androgynous
The Voyage
At My Funeral
God Shuffled His Feet
Afternoons and Coffespoons
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
In the Days of the Caveman
Swimming In Your Ocean
Here I Stand Before Me
I Think I'll Disappear Now
How Does a Duck Know
When I Go Out With Artists
The Psychic
Two Knights and Maidens
Overachievers
He Liked To Feel it
A Worm's Life
Our Driver Gestures
My Enemies
There Are Many Dangers
I'm Outlived by That Thing?
All Of This Ugly
An Old Scab
My Own Sunrise
I'm a Dog
Swatting Flies
Keep A Lid On Things
A Cigarette Is All You Get
Just Chillin'
I Want To Par-tay!
Give Yourself A Hand
Get You In The Morning
Pissed With Me
Just Shoot Me, Baby
A Little Something
I Love Your Goo
A ching To Sneeze
Playing Dead
The Ghost That Haunt Me ©1991
Winter Song
I can't say that I miss my old dog much
And I've never looked back since I left home long ago
But I hoped a trip into the country
Would help remind me all the things I used to know
That's what I came for
That's what I hoped for
There once was good blood in the breeze here
We rode across the lake each new year
What have I remembered
What did this used to be
The ice, it used to shine upon our river
It was a mirror that the cold dark water ran way deep beneath
And here were many years of winter drownings
I kept track of these things as they were told to me
And that's what I came for
That's what I hoped for
There once was good blood in the breeze here
We rode across the lake each new year
What have I remembered
What did this used to be
The changes of the year were once a blessing
Well this year they're the seasons of my discontent
But I cannot rewrite my old diaries
I can only recall all the things that came & went
And that's what I came for
That's what I hoped for
There once was good blood in the breeze here
We rode across the lake each new year
What have I remembered
What did this used to be
(2x)
Comin' Back Soon (The Bereft Man's Song)
I've all my wisdom teeth
Two up top, two beneath
And yet I'll recognise
My mouth says things that aren't so wise
But when I sing my darling's praise
I know I'm right, or close anyways
For she's a gem upon this earth
I know to me she will return
CHORUS
Oh I know it's true, I know it's true
That I was made for her, and she me too
And I'm confident that she'll think so too
And she'll be coming back...soon
Mornings we have toast and tea
I gaze across the table, she glares right back at me
And when we're getting low on jam
I give her the last spoonful, that's just the way I am
And I drive her to work each day
Even though it's early and work is far away
And I don't even say a thing
When she plays the radio so loud you cannot think
[chorus]
I can't stand her goddamned friends
But I will tolerate them, even though I hate them
And I will put up with her parents
'cause she says I'll not meet someone who is so kind and sweet
Ever again...
[chorus]
I've all my wisdom teeth
Two up top, two beneath
And yet I'll recognise
My mouth says things that aren't so wise
But when I sing my darling's praise
I know I'm right, or close anyways
For she's a gem upon this earth
I know to me she will return
[chorus]
Yeah she'll be coming back...soon
Superman's Song
Get the lyrics or guitar chords.
See a picture of Solomon Grundy (60KB or 148KB).
Jimmy Olsen in a CTD t-shirt (Superman In Action Comics #32, 1994).
Tarzan wasn't a ladies' man
He'd just come along and scoop 'em up under his arm
Like that, quick as a cat in the jungle
But Clark Kent, now there was a real gent
He would not be caught sittin' around in no
Junglescape, dumb as an ape doing nothing
Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him
Hey Bob, Supe had a straight job
Even though he could have smashed through any bank
In the United States, he had the strength, but he would now
Folks said his family were all dead
Their planet crumbled but Superman, he forced himself
To carry on, forget Krypton, and keep going
Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him
Tarzan was king of the jungle and Lord over all the apes
But he could hardly string together four words: "I Tarzan, You Jane."
Sometimes when Supe was stopping crimes
I'll bet that he was tempted to just quit and turn his back
On man, join Tarzan in the forest
But he stayed in the city, and kept on changing clothes
In dirty old phonebooths till his work was through
And nothing to do but go on home
Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him
(2x)
The Country Life
Darling I've been thinking this one through
We've been fighting like cat and dog now here's what we've go to do
This life in the city is killing the love that we one knew
We could be happy in the country
We would spend so many lovely days
We'd have chickens and cows and corn and whatever it is farmers raise
At breakfast each morning we'd fry up our own hand-picked eggs
We could be happy in the country
So let's pack our bags up together
And we'll be in the clear forever
We'll just sit right back and watch while our crops grow
While we listen to gals like Kitty Wells on country radio
Weekends we's two-step at some cowboy bar just down the road
We could be happy in the country
I know that the local folks will make us feel right at home
We'll have homemade whiskey and ramble down country roads
And I would learn to ride on the rodeo
I'd have shiny boots and a cowboy hat so that nobody'd ever know
That we'd once been city folks that owned sporty cars and fancy homes
If we could just be in the country
Here On Earth (I'll Have My Cake)
Some folks say that life is just a veil of tears
Not me man I can't pack enough into these years
I don't care if it's spring summer winter or fall
Make no fuss about the seasons, 'cause I like 'em all
Here on earth I'll have my cake
Gonna eat it too, make no mistake
'Cause if it's a question of to be or not to be
I'll put on my boots and go see what I can see
My grandpa, well a good Christian life he led
Worked like a dog just to put a roof over his head
He said that when he died he'd get his reward
'Cause heaven's a place where you don't pay room & board
Here on earth I'll have my cake
Gonna eat it too, make no mistake
'Cause if it's a question of to be or not to be
I'll put on my boots and go see what I can see
When I die, I hope I don't die too slow
But slow or quick, I hope heaven is the place I go
Old St. Pete's gonna serve me my pie in the sky
And I'll say "Pete, a side of ice cream, if you don't mind."
Here on earth I'll have my cake
Gonna eat it too, make no mistake
'Cause if it's a question of to be or not to be
I'll put on my boots and go see what I can see
The Ghosts That Haunt Me
There's a skeleton in everybody's closet
I can think of one or two in my own room
But I would like to introduce them both to you
You'd shake their bony hands and so dispell the gloom
'Cause you're so kind
I know you would not mind
You'd send away the ghosts that haunt me now
And the things I fear
Just wouldn't seem so near
And when I stroll out late at night
There would be nothing rattling at my hells
There are nights when all my aching bones won't let me sleep
And demons come to plague me as I lie in bed
But I know if you were sleeping there beside me then
That you could fend them off and they would let me rest
There are nights
When the wind comes howling through my old place
I have dreams
And I wake up with the sweat pouring down my face
And I wait till the morning comes
There will come a time I fear when all my days are done
And they will come collect my corpse and bury me
And then I hope you'll come over to the Other Side
To join me in our new life, keep me company
Thick-Necked Man
We're talkin' about a thick necked man in the city
Build a pub a blood and sweat
Swears by God he'll stand by justice
He aint stood by justice yet
He gets them drunk and gets their money
They cash their welfare checks for stout
Now he throws them into the street
He's sucked you in, he'll spit you out
This money-minded son of a bitch
Will not a penny lend
And all I can do is pray to God
He'll suffer in the end
We're talkin' 'bout thick-necked man in a three-piece
Killing from his office desk
The many places he has been
And many more he'll visit yet
Without his mommy's pride & kisses
Without his country's confidence
Without the dying man's permission
Without no guilt or consequence
This bloody-minded son of a bitch
Has not a wound to mend
And all I can do is pray to God
He'll suffer in the end
Now we're talkin' 'bout a thick-necked man in a fist fight
Losing lots of blood
It's not his night, his boss is uptight
His face and name are covered in mud
He watches T.V., all star wrestling
Slams a six of ale
Hits his wife, wrecks the car
And spends the long dark night in jail
Well the Preacher man, he comes and asks him
Does he know the mess he's in?
He says he'll turn to Jesus if he'll
Bail him out and buy him gin
This narrow-minded son of a bitch
Has not a soul to mend
And all I can do is pray to God
He'll get one in the end
Androgynous
Here comes Dick, he's wearing a skirt
Here comes Jane you know she's sportin' a chain
Same hair, a revolution
Same build, evolution
Tomorrow who's gonna fuss?
And they love each other so, androgynous
Closer than you know, love each other so, androgynous
We'll don't get him wrong, and don't get him mad
He might be a father but he sure aint a dad
And she don't need the advice that is sent to her
She's happy the way she looks, she's happy with her gender
And they love each other so, androgynous
Closer than you know, love each other so, androgynous
Mirror image, see no damage, see no evil at all
Cupie dolls and urine stalls will be laughed at
The way you're laughed at now
Something meets boy and something meets girl
They both look the same they're overjoyed in this world
Same hair revolution
Unisex evolution
Tomorrow who's gonna fuss?
And tomorrow Dick is wearing pants,
Tomorrow Jane is wearing a dress
Future outcasts and they don't last
And today people dress the way that they please
The way they tried to do in the last centuries
And they love each other so, androgynous
Closer than you know, love each other so, androgynous.
The Voyage
It may be that I'd like to
But I won't fall in love with you
We won't spend the rest of our lives together
But anyway couldn't we go on a trip together
We could go to the British Islands
And hike around the Scottish Highlands
The youth hostels they have there
would be perfect for us
Cause we're both youths,
so they would really suit us
Well darling each morning when we woke up
We'd have biscuits and tea from a tea cup
People might think that we were on our honeymoon
But we'd know better, even though we'd slept in the same room
We would live right out of our back packs
We'd send our parents lots of trinkets and knickkacks
Through the post and across the sea
Back to our own country
After that we could go to Yugoslavia
Oh how I'd love to travel with ya'
We don't have to be wife and husband
To take a trip across the ocean
At My Funeral
I'm still young, but I know my days are numbered
1234567 and so on
But a time will come when these numbers have all ended
And all I've ever seen will be forgotten
Won't you come
To my funeral when my days are done
Life's not long
And so I hope when I am finally dead and gone
That you'll gather round when I am lowered into the ground
When my coffin is sealed and I'm safely 6 feet under
Perhaps my friends will see fit then to judge me
Oh when they pause to consider all my blunders
I hope they won't be too quick to begrudge me
Won't you come
To my funeral when my days are done
Life's not long
And so I hope when I am finally dead and gone
That you'll gather round when I am lowered into the ground
If I should die before I wake up
I pray that the Lord my soul will take but
My body, my body - that's your job
Well I can't be sure where I'm headed after death
To heaven, hell, or beyond to that Great Vast
But if I can I would like to meet my Maker
There's one or two things I'd sure like to ask
Won't you come
To my funeral when my days are done
Life's not long
And so I hope when I am finally dead and gone
That you'll gather round when I am lowered into the ground
God Shuffled His Feet ©1993
God Shuffled His Feet
After seven days
He was quite tired, so god said:
"Let there be a day
Just for picnics, with wine and bread"
He gathered up some people he had made
Created blankets and laid back in the shade
The people sipped their wine
And what with God there, they asked him questions
Like: do you have to eat
Or get your hair cut in heaven?
And if your eye got poked out in this life
Would it be waiting up in heaven with your wife?
God shuffled his feet and glanced around at them;
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him
So he said: "Once there was a boy
Who woke up with blue hair
To him it was a joy
Until he ran out into warm air -
He thought of how his friends would come to see;
And would they laugh, or had he got some strange disease?"
God shuffled his feet and glanced around at them;
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him
The people sat waiting
Out on their blankets in the garden
But God said nothing
So someone asked him, "I beg your pardon:
I'm not quite clear about what you just spoke -
Was that a parable, or a very subtle joke?
God shuffled his feet and glanced around at them;
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him
Afternoons & Coffeespoons
What is it that makes me just a little bit queasy?
There's a breeze that makes my breathing not so easy
I've had my lungs checked out with X rays
I've smelled the hospital hallways
Someday I'll have a disappearing hairline
Someday I'll wear pyjamas in the daytime
Times when the day is like a play by Sartre
When it seems a bookburning's in perfect order -
I gave the doctor my description
I tried to stick to my prescriptions
Someday I'll have a disappearing hairline
Someday I'll wear pyjamas in the daytime
Afternoons will be measured out
Measured out, measured with
Coffeespoons and T.S. Eliot
Maybe if I could do a play-by-playback
I could change the test results that I will get back
I've watched the summer evenings pass by
I've heard the rattle in my bronchi ...
Someday I'll have a disappearing hairline
Someday I'll wear pyjamas in the daytime
Afternoons will be measured out
Measured out, measured with
Coffeespoons and T.S. Eliot
(2x)
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Once there was this kid who
Got into an accident and couldn't come to school
But when he finally came back
His hair had turned from black into bright white
He said that it was from when
The cars had smashed so hard
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Once there was this girl who
Wouldn't go and change with the girls in the change room
But when they finally made her
They saw birthmarks all over her body
She couldn't quite explain it
They'd always just been there
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
But both girl and boy were glad
'Cause one kid had it worse than that
'Cause then there was this boy whose
Parents made him come directly home right after school
And when they went to their church
They shook and lurched all over the church floor
He couldn't quite explain it
They'd always just gone there
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
In the Days of the Caveman
When you go on camping trips you're stuck right out in nature
Foraging the forests like a primate
Using sharpened tools instead of hotplates
Your thumb and forefinger supposed to show you're not a wild beast
You can hear their noises at night time
They don't have to keep a certain bedtime
See in the shapes of my body
Leftover parts from apes and monkeys
Sometimes when I lie awake I hear the rainfall on my tent fly
I think of all the insects that are sleeping
And wonder if the animals are dreaming
See in the shapes of my body
Leftover parts from apes and monkeys
In the days of the caveman and mammoths and glaciers
Bugs and trees were your food then; no pyjamas or doctors
And when I finally get to sleep, I dream in technicolor
I see creatures come back from the Ice Age
Alive and being fed inside a zoo cage
See in the shapes of my body
Leftover parts from apes and monkeys
In the days of the caveman and mammoths and glaciers
Bugs and trees were your food then; no pyjamas or doctors
(2x)
Swimming In Your Ocean
When I'm sampling from your bosom
Sometimes I suffer from distractions like
Why does God cause things like tornadoes and train wrecks?
CHORUS
When I'm swimming in
When I'm swimming in your ocean
Floating aloft on creams
An scented lotions
I can get pretty side-tracked
I hope you'll understand
When I kneel before your bounty
Sometimes I wonder if there could be really
UFO's that come from other planets
[CHORUS]
And when you let me taste your fingers
I take them like fruit and as I linger I
Wonder if my seed will find purchase in your soil ...
[CHORUS]
Here I Stand Before Me
My doctor told me that it was time for me to have my X ray
Of course, I had many nightmares about that fatal day
The room was dark and my skeleton was floating on the wall
My voice trembles down inside me
I'm trapped way down in my body
CHORUS
I, I, I, oh here I stand before me
But something's out of place here
My mind's eye is missing from my body
Well I know it's there but I can't see where
Well take my fingers, what do fingers really mean to me?
You can easily look them up in the dictionary:
They call them digits, or technically they're known as the "philanges"
My joints connected up inside me
Way down deep inside my body
[CHORUS]
My bones shine brightly, a map of my whole body
My vital organs just churn away inside me
Some day they're going to stop this motion
And I'll be left with ...
My my, the future lay before me
Hey hey, deep inside my body
[CHORUS]
I can stand and stare, but I can't see where
I Think I'll Disappear Now
Running into you like this without warning
Is like catching a sniff of tequila in the morning
But I'll try, I'll try to keep my food down
That's quite an after-taste that you've left now that you're not around
You can just pretend we're not in the same room
Well, alright, I'll just mosey to the bathroom
You flew by like a summer vacation
And you left me with TV-movies and a messy kitchen
I think I'll disappear now, slip out sideways
Just for awhile - but until then I'll stay in and sleep late, excuse me
I'll buy a fast car, I'll drive fast from here
There's a beach I haven't seen since last year -
It's far, but I like night drives;
It just makes it nicer when I do arrive
I think I'll disappear now, slip out sideways
Just for awhile - but until then I'll stay in and sleep late, excuse me
Aren't you going to miss me?
Aren't you going to even say one thing to me anymore?
Well, you can bet that I'll forget how it was then:
All the drives to your farm for the weekend ...
But I've seen the swimsuit magazines
And I've smelled tequila the first thing in the morning
I think I'll disappear now, slip out sideways
Just for awhile - but until then I'll stay in and sleep late, excuse me
Aren't you going to miss me?
Aren't you going to even say one thing to me anymore?
You are years away from me
Aren't you going to even say one thing to me anymore?
One thing to me anymore.
How Does A Duck Know?
How does a duck know what direction south is?
And how to tell his wife from all the other ducks?
You can cut a chicken's head off
and it will keep on running and twitching
When everything seems planned out
when everything seems nicely planned out
well the human race will come and smack your face
How come all my body parts so nicely fit together?
All my organs doing their jobs, no help from me!
A person pulls a spider's leg out
To watch it keep on moving and twitching.
When everything seems planned out
when everything seems nicely planned out
well the human race will come and smack your face
Satan lives here: on grain and earth, rain and air.
How come I just smoke and smoke and smoke and curse every butt I spit out?
All night long I grind my teeth and I wake up when I cough
You can put me in and iron lung
and I will keep on breathing and twitching.
When everything seems planned out
when everything seems nicely planned out
well the human race will come and smack your face
You might be dead, but you keep your head.
When I Go Out With Artists
When I go out with artists
They talk about language and the cubists and the dadaists
And I try to catch their meanings
And keep up with all the martinis
I don't know which should be my favorite paintings
If I could see, if I could see, if I could
See all the symbols, unlock what they mean
Maybe I could, maybe I could, maybe I
Could meet the artists, and get to know them personally
If I were David Byrne
I'd go to galleries and not be too concerned
Well I would have a cup of coffee
And I'd find my surroundings quite amusing and
People would ask me which were my favorite paintings
What if the artists ran the TV?
All the ads would be for fine scotch whiskey:
Glenfiddich, Glenlivet, the whole single malt family
The artists of the future
Will make up new things and different nomenclatures
And they'll stand amongst their pictures
And they'll sing and laugh and quote from scriptures and
When they go home they'll dream of brilliant paintings
The Psychic
She knows the future like the palm in your hand
She knows your past like the lay of the land
The first time she met me she saw right through me
Some cards and a cane in her hand - and she said:
All the years that have come to pass
And all the years that shall be
I see here right before me
She said her vision were a bane in her life
She could not control them, they kept her up nights
I know what you're thinking, I haven't been drinking
She knew things that cut like a knife - and she said:
All the years that have come to pass
And all the years that shall be
I see here right before me
Will there be earthquakes and great tidal waves?
Can she see back to the dinosaur days?
How can she foresee just by squinting at me and
Can she see me naked in her mind's eye?
What does she think when she foretells a disease?
Would she keep it a secret if death stood before me?
What could some cards hold, where is her foothold
Can I escape what she sees? And she said:
All the years that have come to pass
And all the years that shall be
I see here right before me
I see here before me
Two Knights And Maidens
One there were two knights and maidens
They'd walk together
Out in the gardens
In all kinds of weather
The knights always pestered the maidens
To love them together
Out in the gardens
And they could watch each other
The maidens had other plans for the two knights
They'd give them potions
And make them see dreams and lights
The knights took the potions gladly
They laughed at their visions
But outside the garden
Tigers smelled them together
The maidens had other plans for the two knights
They'd give them potions
And make them see dreams and lights
The knights only laughed at the tigers
They thought they were visions
Out in the garden
The maidens watched them together
Ah, but for the two knights
Ah, but for maidens
Who gave to them dreams and lights
A Worm's Life ©1996
Overachievers
Long ago, a woman prayed that her suitors be
Repelled so she might serve God, be His only
God heard her prayers floating up and his heart was cheered
He rewarded her amply with a full beard
But then she wondered if she should start to take it easy
"Overachiever" might be putting it mildly
A student of behaviour psychology
Conditioned himself to stick to his studies
He grew tired of these routines and tried to drop them
But he was caught in his own trap and couldn't stop them
And then he wondered if he should start to take it easy
"Overachiever" might be putting it mildly
Once a man was determined to get into
The program for astronauts and go to the moon
Finally he was in space, saw the planet
Fear struck and he threw up inside his helmet
Then he wondered if he should start to take it easy
"Overachiever" might be putting it mildly
He Liked To Feel It
There was a boy
Who liked to wiggle his tooth loose so he could show it
And then we'd watch
While he would tie it to a doorknob, wind up, and then slam it
And that was how he liked to have his teeth pulled out
He told us how he liked to feel it when it came out
But he grew tired
Of using doorknobs and so he thought up a brand-new trick
He said he'd tie
His tooth to his dog's tail, find a stick, wind up, and then throw it
And that was how he liked to have his teeth pulled out
He told us how he liked to feel it when it came out
He called his dog
But just as he was set to go, his dad arrived there
He yelled at him
Then got some pliers, held him, wound up, and yanked it out right there
That wasn't how he liked to have his teeth pulled out
He wouldn't tell us how it felt when it came out
A Worm's Life
Although you think me cold and slimy
I've got a nice home
I've tasted your best guacamole
And siesta'd at noon in the cool of the soil
A worm's life can be easy
If you lay low, out of sight
Sometimes it's too hot for cooking
One wants just a salad
And then comes a breeze in the evening
The men light cigars and their scent fills the air
A worm's life can be easy
If you lay low, out of sight
But then the rains come, and the ground fills with water
And I must come up to the surface for air
Then I was plucked from the wet slime
And dropped in tequila
I lay in a stupor for sometime
And one fine night I was gulped down in a shot
A worm's life can be easy
If you lay low, out of sight
Our Driver Gestures
When you start your journey, you go and meet your driver
You shake his hand, and hope he's feeling well
The things to come may be somewhat unfamiliar
Like eating herring where the sun does not go down
Our driver calculates what time we'll hit town
And every time a border comes
We go inside and meet with someone
Perhaps a form will need to be filled in
Then we can go and restart up the engines
Plumbing often varies in the various different countries
I like to crouch down and turn on those bidets
I'll have a cocktail, pick at my fingernails
And then I'll squat down for a wash to end the day
Our driver recommends we try the souffle
And every time a border comes
We go inside and meet with someone
Perhaps a form will need to be filled in
Then we can go and restart up the engines
Then we went down under, and we were told of farmers
Who brought some pigs here from the old country
But pigs eat turtle eggs and turtles eat jellyfish
And now you get stung if you're swimming in the sea
Our driver gestures out behind the palm trees
And every time a border comes
We go inside and meet with someone
Perhaps a form will need to be filled in
Then we can go and restart up the engines
My Enemies
I sit and concentrate, and try hard not to hate my enemies
I try to picture them dressed up as furry little bunnies
But when I look into their glass eyes
I can see they're cold and hard and pink
Hopping 'round, hopping on their two legs
Cute little legs, hopping around and...
I think of dictators who were known to have been especial brutes
And I try to picture them gathered together in their bathing suits
But when I look down at their bodies
I can see they're warm and soft and pink
Standing around, standing on their two legs
Two little legs, standing around and...
I try to meditate, control my hate just like I know I should
But I can't help myself, and I keep it up because it feels so good
But when I look down at my belly
I can see it's pink and soft and weak
Kneeling down, kneeling on my two legs
Two skinny legs, I'm kneeling down and...
There Are Many Dangers
If your toast gets stuck in the toaster
Do not put a fork in the toaster while it is hooked up, or look out
I did and I got caught in the current
Pulled me in and shook me while it held me tight
There are many dangers
They could be in a toaster or a common thing
You must keep a lookout
Remember all the rules they have for everything
When it's very, very cold out
Do not put your tongue on cold metal things
For example, stop signs
I did and they had to pull some skin off
And then they had to fill my mouth with cotton at night
There are many dangers
They could be in a toaster or a common thing
You must keep a lookout
Remember all the rules they have for everything
When they'd taken out my tonsils
I brought them home
Kept them in a jar on the shelving in my room
Between the toaster, stop sign, and my tonsils
I've got lots of things to think about at night
There are many dangers
Could be in a toaster or a common thing
You must keep a lookout
Remember all the rules they have for everything
I'm Outlived by That Thing?
I threw out a stupid common paperweight
And it went out into the country
To a place where other solid objects lie around
Well, it's quite hard, and so it's probably still there
And when I die, it will still be somewhere
Ha-ha, I'm outlived by that thing and stupid things like that
A man once took a very famous photograph
Went in books and even lectures
Said it was a monster in the old Loch Ness
Before he died, his wife gave him a backrub
He confessed his lie, he took the picture in the bathtub
Ha-ha, he's outlived by that thing and stupid things like that
Scientists have recently just found out
About a fish they didn't know of
That lives along the bottom of the darkest seas
It doesn't need eyes, it's been there a long while
Since back in the times of giant flying reptiles
Ha-ha, I'm outlived by that thing and stupid things like that
Ha-ha, I'm outlived by that thing and stupid things like that
All Of This Ugly
I was walking through the country
And passing through lovely scenery
When I came upon some rotting remains
And though the carcass was wormy
Well, after all, it's all part of nature's art of cleaning
And if I try hard I think that I will see
Some good behind all of this ugly
When my job was garbageman
I'd go out and empty the garbage cans
And I'd come upon some rotting remains
But we'd drive them outside town
And fill the land, and make hills that you could walk around on
And if I try hard I think that I will see
Some good behind all of this ugly
If I were born as a vulture
I'd fly out and circle high in the air
And I'd look out for rotting remains
And if they weren't quite dead yet
A little bite would help things so I could get started
And if I try hard I think that I will see
Some good behind all of this ugly
An Old Scab
I sit each morning
Look at my empty notebook
The room is quiet
The air conditioning sounds like rain falling
Manic-depressive composer Robert Schumann
When he could not write
He'd get down on his knees and he would pray for help
It's not as bad as eating your own liver
But still, I'd like to think that there are better methods
I try to tackle the page that lay before me
But then I drift off and think about the concept of ben-wah balls
I rouse myself and I finish washing dishes
Make lists of errands
Make all my phone calls
And then I pray for help
But each time I try to make a fresh stab
I end up just picking at an old scab
My Own Sunrise
When we met, it was in the hot green jungle
Your perfect flesh impervious to anything fungal
You would sweat coconut milk and
I'd lie awake, restless with the heat during the night
Dawn would come and I would start to feel my own sunrise
But you'd just lie, sleeping
And so we went away in search of gentler breezes
When we arrived, I longed to lie and rustle in your grasses
But you would not permit me to retire there
None but a fly might settle on the meadow of your leg
Dawn would come and I would start to feel my own sunrise
But you'd just lie, sleeping
Then we moved on until we reached the tundra in the winter
Of course I longed to kiss her frosty teeth in the cold air
But now I've grown bloated on seal fat
Not even flies will settle on the meadow of her leg
Dawn would come and I would start to feel my own sunrise
But you'd just lie, sleeping
I'm a Dog
I'm a dog, and I can smell your smell right through your clothes
And I espouse some views that you yourself just might not hold
Sometimes I am given pause to think when
I consider what we could call the good life
When it comes to the city versus the country life
Well, I must say that I far prefer a farmer's wife
Breakfast with the master in the morning
Feel the breeze and brush against a cow's leg - mmm!
But it seems the thinkers you call greatest are
The sort who often fall ill young, or pine away
How can they help but drag the species down?
There's some debate about whether instincts should be held in check
Well, I suppose that I'm a liberal in this respect
I can't say I liked Robinson Crusoe
But at least he didn't tie his dogs up at night
And it seems the thinkers you call greatest are
The sort who often fall ill young, or pine away
How can they help but drag the species down?
How come all your poets fall into despondencies?
And then write it down for us to read every indignity?
Not such worthy specimens, these creatures
Hardly fit for what you could call the good life
And it seems the thinkers you call greatest are
The sort who often fall ill young, or pine away
How can they help but drag the species down?
How can they help but drag the species down?
Swatting Flies
Now that I've used up all my ideas
Here in my little house by the sea
I search for a usable memory but none comes to me
In grade one, my teacher could do embalming
She'd stuff the bodies of dead little birds
She told us if ever we found one, just to bring it to her
And in the science room was an iguana
It lay very still in its cage
And we'd feed him living flies
Then she'd read the old testament to us
But first she'd remind us the stories were true
And we'd hear of locusts and plagues and the tortures they knew
And in the science room was an iguana
I remember it now in my house by the seaside
Swatting flies
Give Yourself A Hand ©1999
Keep A Lid On Things
Who put the doggy in the doghouse?
You did, baby - you did
Who put your granny in the grannyhouse?
You did, baby - you did, baby
Who put the bad in the madhouse?
You did, baby - you did
Who put that junk in the junkhouse?
You did, baby - you did, baby
Keep your eye on things while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Don't you try everything while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Who put the fun in the funhouse?
You did, baby - you did
Who put your dad in the halfhouse?
You did, baby - you did, baby
Who put the boys in the clubhouse?
You did, baby - you did
Who put the cat in the cathouse?
You did, baby - you did, baby
Keep your eye on things while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Don't you try everything while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Keep your eye on things while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Who dug the hole in the outhouse?
You did, baby - you did
Who put Whitey in the White House?
You did, baby - you did, baby
Keep your eye on things while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Don't you try everything while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Keep your eye on things while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
A Cigarette Is All You Get
I'm all freaked out
I'm all tweaked out
I'm being chased by insects
And I wanna eat my cigarettes
I can't hang out
I'm all strung out
I've got to grab me by the throat
I've got to herd me like a goat
A cigarette is all you get
So hold your fire, don't light it yet
I'm all mixed up
I gotta fix me up
I wanna pull my tongue out
And turn my nostrils inside out
I'm all dried up
I'm all fried up
I wanna burn things now and then
If I've been talkin' to businessmen
A cigarette is all you get
So hold your fire, don't light it yet
I'm all shook up
I wanna get hooked up
I wanna listen to Elvis
I wanna shake my pelvis
I wanna take the train downtown
I wanna hear some Junior Brown
I wanna move my groovy hips
I wanna bite my shaky lips
A cigarette is all you get
So hold your fire, don't light it yet
Just Chillin'
You said you like mixin' it up
I said I don't like to chat
You said you smoked the big kahunas
I said I'm not like that
I'm just chillin', I'm just hangin'
So don't be spillin' your stuff on me
I'm just chillin', I'm just hangin', baby
You said you played some pocket pool
I said I played some myself
You wanna try it together sometime
I only play by myself
I'm just chillin', I'm just hangin'
So don't be spillin' your stuff on me
I'm just chillin', I'm just hangin', baby
You've got your friends in high places
Babe, I can pull my own strings
You said I'm a name in a phone book
I don't have one of those things
I'm just chillin', I'm just hangin'
So don't be spillin' your stuff on me
I'm just chillin', I'm just hangin', baby
You said we're cogs in a great big machine
Babe, I've got the right tools
You said it's all just a crazy dream
Well, I've got plenty of fuel
I'm just chillin', I'm just hangin'
So don't be spillin' your stuff on me
I'm just chillin', I'm just hangin', baby
I'm just chillin', I'm just hangin'
So don't be spillin' your stuff on me
I'm just chillin', I'm just hangin', baby
I Want To Par-tay!
Well looky here now, my oh my
I got a bug stuck in my eye
I feel the chill right through my coat
I got a pill stuck in my throat
I'm a man, walking with a stick
I'm a man who likes to get in his kicks
I'm the man, talking to his dick
I'm the man getting all the chicks
You're gettin' flirty with me,
You're talkin' dirty to me,
You're sayin' "c'mon, baby!"
YEAH!
I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!
I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!
I should have checked before I chewed
I got a worm stuck in my food
I'm walking funny and it's not by chance
I got some shit stuck in my pants
You know that I could have my pick
You know that I got quirks and ticks
I like the way you play your tricks
I like the way you like to squirm and kick
You're gettin' flirty with me,
You're talkin' dirty to me,
You're sayin' "c'mon, baby!"
YEAH!
I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!
I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!
You know that it's not just a joke
I like to suck back a lot of Coke
I like the sugar it contains
I like the syrup in my veins
I'm a man walking with his drink
I'm a man talking to his drink
I'm a man woofing in the sink
And I'm the man, whatever you may think!
You're gettin' flirty with me,
You're talkin' dirty to me,
You're sayin' "c'mon, baby!"
YEAH!
I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!
I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!
I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!
I want to par-tay! Par-tay!
Par-tay! par-tay!
I want to par-tay! Par-tay!
I want to...
Give Yourself A Hand
Hello, Mr. Fussy
Hello, Mrs. Nice
Have you ever shared a bathtub
Full of beer and ice?
I know you want to
I know you can
Put down your children
And free up your hands
Come on and free up your hands
Come on and free up your hands
Do you still like to kiss her?
Do you still hold her hand?
Would you cheat with her sister?
Do you march to her band?
And when you're by yourself
With a drink in one hand
Do you break your little rule
And give yourself the other hand?
C'mon and give yourself a hand
C'mon and give yourself a hand
C'mon and give yourself a hand
C'mon and give yourself a hand
I know your wife's uncle
He's a very nice man
He's got long clever fingers
On his lovely pink hands
Did you give that bad boy
The back of your hand?
I know you want to
I know you can
Give him the back of your hand
Give him the back of your hand
Give him the back of your hand
Give him the back of your hand
Get You In The Morning
I want it cheap, I want it now
I want it fast, and I want it with feeling
I want it deep, I want a vow
I want it to last, and I want it with meaning
I will come and get you in the morning
We'll just go and not give any warning
I am the cheap, I'm right here now
I'm moving fast, and I've got the feeling
I'm going deep, I've made my vow
It is my last, and it's the one I'm keeping
I will come and get you in the morning
We'll just go and not give any warning
I will come and get you in the morning
I'm on my game, I walk the walk
I smell the smell, and I feel the feeling
It's in my name, I talk the talk
I ring the bell, and I do the dealing
I am the name, I am the walk
I've got the smell, and I've got the feeling
I'm going deep, I'm going fast
I'm going now, and I'm going with meaning
I will come and get you in the morning
We'll just go and not give any warning
I will come and get you in the morning
We'll just go and not give any warning
I will come and get you in the morning
We'll just go and not give any warning
I will come and get you in the morning
Pissed With Me
You try to play it cool, but you're pissed with me
In the swimming pool where you kissed with me
You're a shiny jewel, two-fistin' drinks on me
You're a killing tool, you're getting pissed with me
Pissed with me, baby
All night long
Pissed with me, baby
All night long
Another drink and a little ice
Would be quite good, I think, baby, don't think twice
You say we're kissin' cousins, well that's very nice
Baby, I've kissed dozens, you've got that extra spice
Kissin' with me, baby
All night long
Kissin' with me, baby
All night long
I've been having some trouble, someone's dickin' with me
I think I must have a double who's been frickin' with me
Well, he seems like fun, he looks just like me
He's doing everyone, so you be stickin' with me
Stickin' with me, baby
All night long
Stickin' with me, baby
All night long
Pissed with me, baby
All night long
Kissin' with me, baby
All night long
Just Shoot Me, Baby
Take off your mink coat, take off your muff
Get on the table and show us your stuff
Right here next to me
I'm a fat old man, sweatin' and huffin'
A gin in my hand and your pretty little muffin
Right here next to me
Just don't feed me with no tube
Or change my dirty diaper
If I'm back at mommy's boob
Call in the frickin' snipers
And just shoot me, baby
Stuff me in the cracks, Stuff me
In the toilet, sweetie, put me in the trash
But be next to me
Send me to my room, hold me down
And spank me, use the wooden spoon
But be next to me
Just don't feed me with no tube
Or change my dirty diaper
If I'm back at Mommy's boob
Call in the frickin' snipers
And just shoot me, baby
Dip me in the river
You'll never wash my dirt away
Rip out my liver, baby
But be next to me
Just don't feed me with no tube
Or change my dirty diaper
If I'm back at Mommy's boob
Call in the frickin' snipers
And just shoot me, baby
A Little Something
There's some stuff on my shoe
That's got nothing to do
With the places you think that I've been
And the stuff on my breath
Isn't some kiss of death
From the people you think I've been seeing
Could I please be excused? I'm very confused
I think I'd better have a little something
I think I'd like to have a little something
Though you probably forget
There's a place that we met
When we first started lying at night
It was good on the car
You would go pretty far
And you seemed like you wanted a fight
Could I please be excused? I'm very confused
I think I'd better have a little something
I think I'd like to have a little something
I think I'd better have a little something
I think I'd like to have a little something
There's a star in the sky
It's caught my eye
And I'm sure that I've seen it before
It was quite long ago
And we stood on the snow
But I can't recall where anymore
Could I please be excused? I'm very confused
I think I'd better have a little something
I think I'd like to have a little something
I think I'd better have a little something
I think I'd like to have a little something
I Love Your Goo
I love your guts, I love your goo
Your ugly blood, your creepy heart
The heart that's true to me and you
I thank you
I'd eat your gum, I'd eat your goo
I love the blood that lights your eyes
And makes your lips the colour blue
I thank you
Your flesh and your insides
Your blood and your outsides
You're blameless and I'm shameless
I am the shit upon your shoe
Your creepy blood is in my heart
The heart that's true to me and you
I thank you
Your flesh and your insides
Your blood and your outsides
You're blameless and I'm shameless
I'm in the mud, I'm in the goo
Your face is cold, your lips are blue
But your heart is true to me and you
I thank you
Your flesh and your insides
Your blood and your outsides
You're blameless and I'm shameless
Aching To Sneeze
I've been aching to sneeze
Begging please, pretty please
But I can't get the thing to come out
I've been down on my knees
I've been pissing on trees
But the evil thing just won't come out
Come on out, my pretty baby
Relieve me of my burden, little baby
Come on out, my pretty baby
I've been waking at dawn
With the big bird on
And I can't make the thing go away
I've been throwing up drinks
In the toilets and sinks
But it just sticks around anyway
Come on out, my pretty baby
Relieve me of my burden, little baby
Come on out, my pretty baby
I've been waking at dawn
With a fever going on
And a stain that just won't wash away
I've got nothing to hide
It's just something inside
That keeps coming back, day after day
Come on out, my pretty baby
Relieve me of my burden, little baby
Come on out, my pretty baby
My pretty baby
My pretty baby
Playing Dead
I know that you don't love me
I know you hate my guts
I know the nasty things you say
About me, to those sluts
Well, maybe I'm a weasel
Maybe I'm a liar
Maybe I'm a skinny punk
Who couldn't change a tire
I'm laying down and I'm playing dead
I ain't fetchin' no stick, no way, baby
I've always been this pasty
I've always been this shape
I'm just a teensy-weensy thing
Passed on by itsy-bitsy apes
I'm laying down and I'm playing dead
I ain't fetchin' no stick, no way, baby
You know that you could train me
You know I'd sit and beg
But you think I'm just a dirty dog
That tried to hump that pretty leg
I'm laying down and I'm playing dead
I ain't fetchin' no stick, no way, baby
CRASH TEST DUMMIES are
Brad Roberts: lead vocals, guitars
Ellen Reid: back-up vocals, keyboards
Benjamin Darvill: harmonica, melodica, theramin
Dan Roberts: bass
Mitch Dorge: drums, percussion, digital stuff
